"I can't believe I'm doing this," I said to myself, looking down at the ground below. Even before the bus dropped me and my classmates off at Hemlock Overlook I had decided that I wouldn't do the zip line, and here I am on the platform strapped into the one thing that I feared most. Wow. The ground is a long way down.
The counselor said, "Make sure you can fit two fingers between your helmet strap and your chin," placing two of her fingers under her chin to indicate how tight it should be.
"Why am I doing this? I'm not even doing the zip line," I asked my friend Madeline.
"Come on Brianne, it's not scary."
The teachers had said it was fine to back down and say no, but to put on the safety gear anyway.
I was nudged onto the platform with many more "you can do it" and "it's so much fun." Still, I wanted nothing more that to go back down the ladder that would lead me to that safety of ground.
But it's too late now, there's no return. "I'm really nervous," I told the counselor that was helping me with my harness. He smiled saying "This is nothing to freak out about, don't worry."
I fought to keep my teeth from clattering. But as I looked down at the ground, way down at the ground. I felt the butterflies begin to flutter their wings.
Launching off the platform I automatically accelerated into the air. I was a bird ripping through the sky. The wind rushed past my face. I didn't yell like some of my friends did when it was their turn to ride the zip line. It took all my strength to get there and now I was petrified. Even as my sweaty hands strangled the handhold's above me all I could do was think Please don't fall I looked at the trees rushing by my feet. Please don't hit them. I thought I would die and the adrenaline rushed through my body, I was on a roller coaster.
I touched down dragging my feet in the dirt so I would stop. It didn't help much, my cord twisted and I twirled around but another counselor grabbed my feet and helped me unstrap.
The smell of dinner wafting into my nose as I walked into the kitchen.
"How was your trip?"
I shrugged, "Same."
Saturday, April 12, 2008
2nd Draft
Posted by Brianne N. at 5:49 PM
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
7 comments:
The second sentence needs to have some commas because it is pretty long.
Your dialog was really good. It sounded natural and made me feel like I was really there.
You found a good focal point and really expanded. You helped the reader paint a picture in their head.
You need some punctuation in your second paragraph.
You had really natural sounding dialog.
It felt like I was there with you.
Good job! =)
Brianne,
Great job on the dialog. You did a good job making it sound natural. I really like how you did the flash back method in the beginning. Also, I thought the ending was hilarious.
" The counselor said, "Make sure you can fit two fingers between your helmet strap and your chin," placing two of her fingers under her chin to indicate how tight it should be." This part is confusing so you might want to edit it.
what was the tipping point that made you do it? i don't know what it is but there is an intensity missing from the writing that you must have experienced during the actual event.
maybe you should start the memoir at a different point????
Your writng is really descriptive like this sentences right here.
I felt the butterflies begin to flutter their wings.
That was one of my favorite sentence.
I don't have anything else to add.
Brianne,
This draft is awesome. You made it really clear of what's going on. Also
you have really exceptional sentence
structure. Also you have a catchy dialog.
You wrote alot but not compared to mine. You like really good and discriptivly.
Post a Comment