A Long Way Down: 3rd Draft

"I can't believe I'm doing this," I said to myself, looking down at the ground below. Even before the bus dropped me and my classmates off at Hemlock Overlook I had decided that I wouldn't do the zip line, and here I am on the platform strapped into the one thing that I feared most. Wow. The ground is a long way down.

***

The counselor said, "Make sure you can fit two fingers between your helmet strap and your chin," placing two of her fingers under her chin to indicate how tight it should be.

"Why am I doing this?" I asked my friend Madeline.

"Come on Brianne, it's not scary."
The teachers had said it was fine to back down and say no, but to put on the safety gear anyway.

I was nudged onto the platform with many more "you can do it" and "it's so much fun." Still, I wanted nothing more that to go back down the ladder that would lead me to that safety of ground.

***

But it's too late now, there's no return. "I'm really nervous," I told the counselor that was helping me with my harness. He smiled saying "This is nothing to freak out about, don't worry."

I fought to keep my teeth from clattering. But as I looked down at the ground, way down at the ground. I felt the butterflies begin to flutter their wings. No, I'm not a chicken, I won't back down. Man, this would be so much easier if they weren't all smiling at me. I held my breath and stepped into the air.

Launching off the platform I automatically accelerated into the air. I was a bird ripping through the sky. The wind rushed past my face. I didn't yell like some of my friends did when it was their turn to ride the zip line. It took all my strength to get there and now I was petrified. Even as my sweaty hands strangled the handhold's above me all I could do was think Please don't fall I looked at the trees rushing by my feet. Please don't hit them. I thought I would die and the adrenaline rushed through my body, I was on a roller coaster.

I touched down dragging my feet in the dirt so I would stop. It didn't help much, my cord twisted and I twirled around but another counselor grabbed my feet and helped me unstrap.


The smell of dinner wafting into my nose as I walked into the kitchen.
"How was your trip?"
I shrugged, "Same."

Simile, Metaphor, Hyperbole

Simile:
I was like a bird ripping through the sky.

Metaphor:
In my stomach I felt the butterflies begin to flutter their wings.

Hyperbole:
I thought I would die and the adrenaline rushed through my body, I was on a roller coaster.

Slimming it Down

To make the sentence more clear and to the point take out the things that aren't needed.

Before: "Why am I doing this? I'm not doing the zip line" I asked my friend Madeline.

After: "Why am I doing this?" I asked my friend Madeline.

The last part was not needed to make my thoughts known.

Italics

If you use italics you can show thought, or stress a fact.

Without italics: But as I looked down at the ground, way down at the ground.

With italics: But as I looked down at the ground, way down at the ground.

Thoughts without italics: Man, this would be so much easier if they weren't all smiling at me.

Thought in italics: Man, this would be so much easier if they weren't all smiling at me.

Title

The official title of my memoir is "A Long Way Down."

Thoughtful Word Choices

Choose more exciting words:

go=flee
said to=scolded

A Variety of Sentence Length

Make your sentences different lengths, mix it up a little.

Long Sentence: Even before the bus dropped me and my classmates off at Hemlock Overlook I had decided that I wouldn't do the zip line, and here I am on the platform strapped into the one thing that I feared most.

One Word Sentence: Wow.

Short: I shrugged, "Same."

Moderately Long: I thought I would die and the adrenaline rushed through my body making me feel like I was on a roller coaster.

Just plain in the middle: But it's too late now, there's no return.

2nd Draft

"I can't believe I'm doing this," I said to myself, looking down at the ground below. Even before the bus dropped me and my classmates off at Hemlock Overlook I had decided that I wouldn't do the zip line, and here I am on the platform strapped into the one thing that I feared most. Wow. The ground is a long way down.


The counselor said, "Make sure you can fit two fingers between your helmet strap and your chin," placing two of her fingers under her chin to indicate how tight it should be.

"Why am I doing this? I'm not even doing the zip line," I asked my friend Madeline.

"Come on Brianne, it's not scary."
The teachers had said it was fine to back down and say no, but to put on the safety gear anyway.

I was nudged onto the platform with many more "you can do it" and "it's so much fun." Still, I wanted nothing more that to go back down the ladder that would lead me to that safety of ground.


But it's too late now, there's no return. "I'm really nervous," I told the counselor that was helping me with my harness. He smiled saying "This is nothing to freak out about, don't worry."

I fought to keep my teeth from clattering. But as I looked down at the ground, way down at the ground. I felt the butterflies begin to flutter their wings.

Launching off the platform I automatically accelerated into the air. I was a bird ripping through the sky. The wind rushed past my face. I didn't yell like some of my friends did when it was their turn to ride the zip line. It took all my strength to get there and now I was petrified. Even as my sweaty hands strangled the handhold's above me all I could do was think Please don't fall I looked at the trees rushing by my feet. Please don't hit them. I thought I would die and the adrenaline rushed through my body, I was on a roller coaster.

I touched down dragging my feet in the dirt so I would stop. It didn't help much, my cord twisted and I twirled around but another counselor grabbed my feet and helped me unstrap.


The smell of dinner wafting into my nose as I walked into the kitchen.
"How was your trip?"
I shrugged, "Same."

"Hotspots"

Before:

Finally I launched of the platform and into the open air. The harness is my friend, the harness is my friend. My hands were wet with sweat a from gripping the rope so hard. The wind brushed past my face. I looked at the trees rushing beside my feet.

After:

As I launched off the platform I automatically accelerated into the air. I was a bird speeding through the sky. I ripped through the wind. I didn't yell like some of my friends did when it was their turn to ride the zip line. It took all my strength to get there and now I was petrified. Even as my sweaty hands strangled the voice above me all I could do was think "Please don't fall" I looked down at the trees rushing by my face. Please let me live.

Interior Monologue

Interior monologue allows the reader to hear a characters thoughts.

Ex:

I can't believe I'm doing this.

or

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

*Notice: There is no need for quotes just put it in italics.

Adding Dialogue and Gesture

Dialogue without gesture: "I'm really nervous," I said.

Dialogue with gesture: "I'm really nervous," I said fighting to keep my teeth from clattering.

Dialogue without gesture: "Same," I said.

Dialogue with gesture: I shrugged "Same."

Different Leads

Posing a Question:
Are you afraid of heights? I was that day.

Setting the Mood:
My heart was pumping frantically and I had a wedgie. That didn't bother me as much as what I was about to do.

Arresting Sentence:
Wow. The ground is a long way down.

Flashbacks

I made a flashback but chose not to use it in my second draft. I may however use a different flashback at a different time off my piece. Flashbacks are cool!

Rough Draft #1

"I can't believe I'm doing this," I thought to myself. Even before the bus dropped me off I had decided that I wouldn't to the zip line and here I am on the platform, strapped into the one thing I feared most.

All my friends were urging me on I heard things like "You can do it," and "It's so much fun!" Now it was my turn and I wanted nothing else more then to go back down the ladder that would lead me to safety. Lots of other people had done, lots of other people had chickened out.

But it was already too late I was fully sucured in, there was no return now.

"I'm really nervous," I told the counsoler that was helping me with my harness. He smiled and said,

"This is nothing to freak out about, don't worry." But as I looked down at the ground, way down at the ground. I felt the butterflies flying in my stomach, just as frantic as I was.

Finally I lauched off the platform and into the open air. "The harness is my friend, the harness is my friend," I kept chanting in my head. My hands we wet with sweat from gripping the rope so hard. The wind rushed past my face and I looked down at the trees rushing by me. I was a bird soaring through the sky.

I remained silent through my entire ride, unlike most of my friends. My excitment was canceled out by the fear I had before the ride. I didn't even breathe. I felt totally weightless in those short moments. Then my feet crashed into the ground and I felt the vibrations travel up my legs as I touched. I dragged my feet so that I would stop. As I did my cord twisted a little and I twirled around, but another counsolor grabbed my feet and helped me unstrap.


I walked into the kitchen.
"How was your trip?"
"Same."